Way Out Parenting: The Supplementary Sex Education Course for Children of Gays, Ages 0-12+

Submitted by Way Out Parent on Sun, 06/29/2008 - 6:54am.

Every parent—gay, straight, or in between—struggles with how and when to teach their children the technical points of human growth and development. You are advised to lay the groundwork early. Use the scientific vocabulary of sex education before your children know what anything means. Fling words like penis, testicles, vagina, ovary, and uterus at your one-year-olds with reckless abandon. They won’t understand what you mean, and it gives you the opportunity to desensitive yourself to words you never imagined you’d have to use with someone so young.

Your children will of course require the standard sex education curriculum—which they’ll probably receive at school in the fourth or fifth grade. But that’s way too late and in any case won’t cover the concepts your children will ask about. So here is a supplemental course designed specifically for Children of Gays. It outlines questions you’re likely to hear, concepts you’ll need to cover, and a suggested developmental continuum for addressing them.

Good luck.

Concept	Talking Points	Ages 1-3	Ages 4-6	Ages 7-9	Ages 10-12+
Where do babies come from?	This concept isn’t so cut and dried for gay parents. Rather than attempt an honest discussion of adoption and advanced reproductive technologies with your one year-old, you’re allowed to cop out and say “The rainbow stork brought you to us.” But don’t perpetuate this myth too long.	√
Moms and Moms, Dads and Dads, and Moms and Dads>	Young children (and unfortunately many adults) are naturally narcissistic and tend to think that everyone around them conforms to their world order. You will have to help your child accept the diversity of other families. Tell them, “Believe it or not, some children have a mommy and a daddy, sweetie. And that’s perfectly okay, too.”	√	√
Who’s my “real” mother?	If you’re a two-mom family, someone will eventually ask your child the “Who’s your real mom?” question, and you’re wise to prep your children in advance so they’re not caught off guard. Remember, this question is usually not asked out of malice but confusion. Children at this age are just beginning to understand the concepts of human reproduction, and two moms just don’t compute with what they know so far. This is when it’s helpful for your child to know more than their peers so they can say: “What you really mean to be asking me is which of my two real moms contributed 50% of my genetic material and carried me through my nine month gestational period.” Don’t be surprised if a note comes home from school reminding you that human growth and development should not be discussed until the fifth grade.		√	√
When I grow up, can I go to the doctor and get a baby too?	Children of gay men and lesbians who used assisted reproductive techniques often generalize from your experience that having a child is a completely medical experience. Validate their idea by saying, “Of course you can, sweetie,” and then add, “but you should know that not everyone has to go to a doctor to have a baby.” See if they’re curious enough to ask a follow-up question. If they are, be prepared to talk about other ways eggs and sperm meet.		√	√
What’s a donor?	This is another excellent entry point into the discussion of fertilization. Explain that a donor is a nice man who gave or sold his sperm to you so that you could make a baby. Precocious children may sit with a furrowed brow and think about how the sperm was transmitted from your donor to you. Depending on your child’s age, it’s okay to mention the concept of ejaculation, but avoid discussion of paper cups and porn magazines.		√	√	√
What’s a surrogate?	This question provides a context to discuss female reproductive anatomy. Explain that every child began their life in a woman’s uterus. Explain that a uterus is like a nice cozy hotel room at the Ritz Carlton where you stay and get room service for nine months while you develop and grow into a full-fledged baby. But only women have this anatomical hotel room, so your dads needed to rent one from a nice woman who wanted to help them have a baby.		√	√	√
What’s with all these acronyms?	At some point, your child may want details. Be prepared to explain ART, IUI, IVF, ET and other abbreviations for complex medical procedures that you paid for long ago. This is where you really need to know your stuff, and since it’s been ten or twelve years since your medical odyssey, make sure to Google the science behind what happened to you. But remember, even twelve year olds love a good story, and this is the story of your twelve-year-old’s birth—not a med school lecture—so make it dramatic. Don’t forget the characters, setting, plot, and mood.				√