Way Out Parenting: When should our children use public restrooms alone? Will they use toilet paper, and will they be safe?

Gay fathers with a daughter and lesbians with a son face these questions sooner than heterosexual co-parents. Because you don’t represent both sexes, at some point you must allow your child to venture into a world where you have no access. What is it like in there? Will your child be safe? How can you prepare him or her? Below are questions you may have and some answers to put you at ease.

Gay Fathers: How can we be sure she’s putting toilet paper on the seat?

You can never be sure on the toilet paper issue. This is something you need to know about girls. They will look you in the eye and tell you they put paper on the seat even when they didn’t. Their first inclination is to cheat in this regard. Unless they are an exception to the rule (and probably have a touch of OCD), daughters do not share their parents’ fear of microscopic organisms waiting on the plastic seat. Unless you are in the stall with them, their behinds are probably going to plop down on that seat no matter how often you’ve impressed upon them the importance of covering it. All you can do is:
• Try to find a family restroom as often as possible;
• Take her into the men’s room with you (hardly a more sanitary option);
• Tell yourself any disease she picks up can be treated with antibiotics;
• Take solace in the fact that the first time she sits down in a puddle of someone else’s urine, she will never again make the same mistake;
• Don’t go anywhere until she reaches a comfortable height for squatting.

Lesbian Mothers: When is it safe for us to let our son go in the men's room, and is there any particular etiquette we need to teach him first?

You will know when the ladies room is no longer a viable option. Most women are very tolerant of boys sharing their space. They completely relate to your fear of abandoning your son to the hostile and unsanitary world of the Men’s Room. As long as your son continues to receive maternal “Isn’t he sweet?” smiles as he washes his hands the next basin over, then you’re okay. This could continue until he is eleven or twelve, depending on his height and testosterone level. But at some point the smiles will turn to veiled sneers of disapproval. Let’s face it, many women don’t feel comfortable purchasing tampons or applying pancake over their wrinkles in front of a gangly teenager who no longer needs help wiping his poopies or reaching up for the toweling. Your son won’t like it either.

There are two basic rules about men’s room comportment, and your son will figure them out soon enough:
• Don’t look at other people’s penises.
• Don’t stand next to someone at the urinals if there’s a more-distant urinal available.

As a mother, your big concern is going to be safety and hygiene, and the first few times he goes in, you’re going to be standing right outside the door waiting to ask him:
• “Did anyone try to touch you?”
• “Did you wash your hands?”
• “Did you use toilet paper?”

Skip the third question. Nobody at the urinal uses toilet paper. Your son is going to shake it off like everyone else—and you would, too, if only you had one.

© 2008 by Carrie Smith. All rights reserved.