new to the family scene

Submitted by phoebejen on Mon, 01/12/2009 - 5:22pm

My partner and I have been together for 4 years and are getting married this spring. The next natural step for us is to plan a family. Since we are new to this stage, we are looking for some helpful tips from any other lesbian moms or moms-to-be.

Just a few questions to start our ball rolling:
What are the opinions of using an unknown sperm donor or of using a known donor?
Is there any sperm banks known to be better than others?
Is Cryogenic really the best? and if so do we need to plan a trip to CA?

Realistically we aren't going to be physically trying until the fall but it would be really nice to hear from some women who have been through this hard, and long process, so that we are more than equipped with info for September

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Anonymous donor

Submitted by anonymous on Wed, 01/21/2009 - 8:29pm.

I used an anonymous donor from CCB. ID release wasn't a big thing or widely offered when I was trying to conceive almost nine years ago. I think the donor-conceived adults who have issues are often those who weren't told that a donor was used. The family was hiding something and the child sensed it. As a single mother, I have nothing to hide. My son has no qualms about his origins. It's something we talk about freely. But I do agree that it depends on the child. Some will want to know more than others. As far as ID release goes, I have trepidations. Will a child who's curious be satisfied with a phone call or an email? I believe (not 100% sure here) that all ID release guarantees is contact, not a relationship. And sperm banks still don't limit enough in my opinion. So a kid who donates when he's 18 may get overwhelmed when at 45, he suddenly has 20 kids wanting to meet him.

umm

Submitted by ml66uk on Thu, 01/22/2009 - 1:31pm.

How about looking for "helpful tips" from donor-conceived people, and not deleting comments from people whose opinions you don't agree with?

It certainly seems to help if donor-conceived people always know that they are donor-conceived, but there are plenty of donor-conceived people with single mothers or two moms who want to know who their donor is.

Remember, anonymous donation is actually illegal in several countries.

ml66uk

Submitted by mtbowers on Thu, 01/22/2009 - 3:29pm.

Wrong, ml66uk. She didn't delete our comments. There was a glitch with ProudParenting.com and all the previous comments on this post were deleted. Also, I have a question for you -- have you been a donor or are you a parent who went through this process? I'd like to better understand your position on this topic.

thank you

Submitted by phoebejen on Mon, 02/09/2009 - 5:45pm.

thank you for clearing up the misunderstanding with ml66uk. for me it was a waste of energy to even acknowledge someone assuming and blaming without ever knowing me or asking anything about me. i appreciated your previous comment and we are in the process now of looking through donors. i look forward to more advice while we start this enormous process. again, thank you

Sorry, but the comments were

Submitted by ml66uk on Thu, 01/22/2009 - 4:48pm.

Sorry, but the comments were gone, and I just assumed that the owner must have deleted them. I just contacted proudparenting to find out if they were intentionally deleted by someone there, or if there's a technical glitch.

I was a sperm donor in the early 80's. I also have a young daughter as a sperm donor for a single friend. In the last few years I've had a lot of contact with donor-conceived people (mostly adults), both online and in real life. Almost all of them are against anonymity and secrecy, even those who have no interest in tracing their own donor. Most of them are regular people, and usually have great relationships with their parents, but many of them feel a deep need to know who their donor was. It's a huge issue for many of them, and the more stories I hear, the more convinced I am that anonymous donation is wrong.

( http://childofastranger.blogspot.com/ , just one of many such cases)

I was an anonymous donor myself, though I said at the time that I'd be happy for my identity to be made known if the laws changed. I'm registered at the Donor Sibling Registry, and if anyone conceived from my donations ever looks, they should be able to find me. I would never go looking for them, even if there was a way to find them, but I think they should be able to find out who I am, if they so choose.

I'm all in favor of single moms and gay couples having families btw, and it's likely that most of my donations would have gone towards them, since most of the other donors apparently only wanted to donate to male-female couples.

My Opinion

Submitted by anonymous on Wed, 12/16/2009 - 1:17pm.

In my humble opinion, a known donor is best.

I think the possibility of contact, random photos, and of course, updated medical info is very important for a growing family. Most donate when young, and DMII, cardiac issues, cholesterol, or mental illness may not have shown up yet.

I like being open and honest with my family, and feel as if children have this inherent curiosity that is squelched by the door slamming of anonymity .

Also, I like to know people in person. Computers and paperwork may sound great in writing, but meeting the person and getting a feeling for his warmth and personality are big deciders in my book.

We used a known donor, but had lawyers and a physician inseminate for all parties protection. According to the doc, live sperm is better for intr-uterine-insemination, as they swim better, and are healthier specimens all around.