What this single parent fantasizes about...

I just realized that I sound like a love sick school girl in the last post. So I thought I would add some context...as soon as I can as Bryce just woke up. I have to take him to Mass Eye and Ear to see a specialist this morning. Basically this single parent simply fantasizes about the love and support of a committed partner who gets it. This morning, I hope my kids are alright.

It is noon and I am home from a morning or testing and anxiety surrounding my youngest son. The bottom line is though there are some anomalies but things are within normal parameters with his hearing. So we will plod along and keep on working with early intervention.

Ok, so about the other post. I gave this some thought this morning as I was sitting waiting and it is very unique. I have often said that my kids always come first. I now realized that this applies to dating and partnership as well. As I was sitting there this morning and my neighbor called to tell me Ben had another bad day getting on the bus, I felt horrible as I could not be in two places at once. So, how does this tie together? I guess that I do not fantasize about having a man in my life whose biceps make others swoon. I do not even give a second thought to whether his 6 pack is in bottles, cans, or on his body. To me a white party is the laundry I do on a Monday morning.

I do not fantasize about being on the A list, unless it has to do with the hopes of what my children can achieve in school. I do not dream of all night parties, sex ( well maybe a little). I do not dream of wealth, what I can accumulate, what I can buy, who the latest designer is, who slept with whom or things like that. I do not dream of drama, nor do I participate in it. I do not wish I could hang out in a bar or that I was so attractive that I could have any man I wanted. I simply dream of a man who could be at home to put Ben on the bus while I dealt with another child and his issues.

I dream of a partner who understands that the few hours we have alone are precious. I dream of a man who is satisfied if date night ends up being a pizza on the couch with a movie because one of the kids is sick. A man who honors his word and sees the value in commitment and monogamy. Who is comfortable both being in the limelight and not being there either. A man who seeks balance. A guy who might let me sleep late, and I him on a Saturday morning. A guy who derives pleasure from the laughter of kids. A guy who knows what it is to be up all night with a sick kid and walk with them in your arms as they cling to you for security. A man who gives as much as he takes.

So what do all of these things say, I guess I would like to find a partner who understands all of this and his concerns is that the kids are alright and knows we will be as well. I hope for a man who loves kids as much as I do and the family life that can be created by two individuals who are committed to one another. I guess things do change, as I recognize the needs I have are those of my children as well and I seek to augment their life and mine someday with someone who has the same desires hopes and dreams.

Parenting has been one of the strongest mirrors I have ever held. It has shown me the beauty in me and the things I need to work on as well. It has shown me what matters most and what matters least. It has opened my soul to feelings and intimacy I do not and can not explain. It has the feeling of a whisper that no other can hear. It holds a watershed of emotion and potential, and forever changes us, dare I say for the better. So,for now...the kids are alright, as am I and if and when there is a person who can say "Yeah, but the kids are alright Brian....."and feels that as well I know I have found my reality.